Finally – a reliable solution for the oily surge of goodwill that descends on us annually like a fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse. Perched ominously like Poe’s raven on the uppermost branches of your impeccably manicured pine tree, the Covid-19 Christmas Ornament is guaranteed to loom inappropriately during even the most heart-warming holiday moments.
Whenever your entire, insufferably jolly extended family is joyously singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas with arms linked around the blazing hearth … the Covid-19 Christmas Ornament will glare down at their vulnerable bodies with a cold, merciless, virus-ravaged eye.
Whenever the family patriarch forces his captive audience to read out every last crypt-fresh joke that has just sheepishly fluttered out of your mass-produced box of defective Christmas crackers … the Covid-19 Christmas Ornament will faithfully reflect your supercilious sneer on its bulbous chromium visage.
Whenever a bevy of rosy-cheeked children innocently wade ankle-deep through handmade potato-printed wrapping paper while joyously operating their excruciatingly shrill battery-operated presents … the Covid-19 Christmas Ornament will silently whisper: This, too, shall pass.
Whenever a seldom-seen, rarely considered relative turns your home’s air black with twee motivational comments about the alleged healing properties of Christmas gatherings … the Covid-19 Christmas Ornament will turn every Hallmark-sanctioned word to ashes on their tediously flapping lips.
The Covid-19 Christmas Ornament encapsulates a wretched year that richly deserves to be encased in lead-lined concrete and fired into the sun’s seething core. Get yours today!
From new gift label London Bohemian, established by an actor made redundant by the C-19 pandemic and formerly Retail Operations Manager and product developer of a leading British arts institution.
Available only on Amazon.co.uk from 1 November 2020, RRP £29.95.